Archie Andrews
Pimpin’ the two finest hoes this side of Riverdale, USA.

Most of us know about Archie and his crew of forever-young friends; his best pal Jughead (my role model for life), arch nemesis Reggie, and all the other associates and well wishers that reside in the little town Riverdale, USA.  A town that has been forgotten by the world around it, and continues to strive even though its methods are so outdated.  For you see, this town… is a ghost town.

Wait no… that was a Scooby Doo episode or something. My mistake.  Sorry about that.  What was I really talking about? Oh yea.  Archie. Not all of us knew about the seedy underbelly of Archie’s secret life.  For you see, Archie isn’t just your average teenager going to high school and hanging out at the Chock'lit shop. No… he’s a fly-ass hoe pimpin’ mac daddy that don’t let nothin’ get in the way of his mad angry biatches!!

Archie Andrews may seem like a normal guy.  He plays for the football team / hockey team / soccer team / baseball team… mmm…  ok.  I’ve got it figured out already.  It now makes even more sense why Archie is getting all this ass in Riverdale.  He’s a god.  All the signs point to godliness.  He plays for every sport! But no matter.  I will still write about his hoe pimpin’ lifestyle.

Let’s take a closer look at the lush lifestyle that our dear friend Archie lives.  (A side note: Archie isn’t what you’d call the most attractive person in town, yet the ladies flock to him like ducks to bread. For as we all know, bread is the power source of the ducks.)  Anyways, even with his un-attractivity, and checkered side-of-head haircut, and the fact that he’s a freckle-faced redhead, all the girls in town love him.  I wish I had his superhuman abilities. Damn.  I’d be knee deep in chicks, which doesn’t sound as pleasing as you’d think.  Just wading in piles of females and all…  So yeah, Archie’s got game.  And he uses it to his full advantage.  Enter his two lucky ladies:

Betty Cooper and Veronica Lodge.

Two of the finest female specimens that Riverdale has to offer.  Betty, the all American girl, with her blonde hair, blue eyes, and a fun outgoing personality, and Veronica, the brunette vixen that get what she wants, when she wants it.  Both of them are equally as attractive, considering that they are technically the same person with a different colored wig on.

Archie has ultimate control over both Betty and Veronica.  Here’s how he works his magic. Betty is the easier of the two, but only because Betty is obsessed with Archie.  She’d wait by the phone for hours waiting for him to call to ask her out to one of the many proms that occur during the week, or ice skating at the park during the summertime.  He can get Betty any time he wants, all day every day.  Every time Archie calls Betty, you know it’s for another booty call.  Archie’s been tappin’ that since they were freshmen.  Mad props to the redheads y’all! 

Veronica is also an easy catch, because all Archie has to do is talk to, stand next to, or even mention Betty, thus making Veronica green with envy.  And you know what happens when you get a rich, jealous, she-bitch angry.  No, she won’t tell her daddy.  She’ll kill your horse.  And then you’ll wake up with a horse’s head in your bed.  I hate when that happens. 

So now Archie has Veronica, and she’s into all that hardcore erotica and role-playing sex.  She doesn’t play any games.   She can get any guy, but for some reason, Archie draws her in like a dog to your crotch.  Sometimes he’s with her, sometimes he’s with Betty, and sometimes he’s with both of them.   Both!  Not just one hottie, but two!  The concept baffles me.  And his powers aren’t just limited to Betty and Veronica.  Whenever they’re out of town, another group of ladies jump in to replace Archie’s main bed buddies. 

You know what the worst part of it is?  Both Betty and Veronica don’t seem to mind that Archie is dating them both at the SAME TIME!  They like, “share” him.  What a deal!  And if Archie is somehow unavailable, they just go to that second fiddle Reggie.  I like Reggie a lot more than I like Archie, and I’ve always wanted him to have all the benefits Archie’s had, but no… he just gets Archie’s sloppy seconds.  Poor ol’ Reg.   Oh well, what are you gonna do.  

Mmm.. now that I look at this article, it seems like Betty and Veronica are running the show.  They could easily cut Archie off, leaving him to pleasure himself while weeping quietly in a darkened room.  But they don’t, because they love being his two hoes.  Who wouldn’t.  In a town that still has drive-in movies, constant carnivals run by dirty carneys, and all the other guys are either big nerds, hate girls, or are too stupid to realize that you’re the only black guy in town, Archie starts to look pretty good.  I’d date him.  But only on a platonic level.  Who knows what kinds of diseases that slut Archie’s carrying. He’s been around the block more that just a couple of times * wink wink *, if you know what I mean. Get it?  Cause he's always having random sex with all the women of Riverdale.  GET IT?  No?  Oh... ok then... 

And Now a Lesson from that pimped-out daddio, Archie

Whuddup bitches.  Archie here.  Time for a few lessons in Pimp-ology.  First of all, when you want to get some bitches to come to you, just say "Bitches, COME!!".  Also, if you want to get some action from a hottie, just threaten to kill her puppy.  She'll fall for you immediately.  Well, until next time, keep on truckin' bitches and boys.  Fo'h shizzle.

- Kevin