Hunny B's:  The Devil's Candy in Disguise

Observe this situation:

Jaime: Winnie the Pooh Cereal?!

Kevin: Yeah man, this stuff is great.

Jaime: Great my ass. You're a fag who eats a pussy little kids cereal.  Why don't you run home to your momma, queer-boy.

Kevin:  Uh huh.. here, why don't you try some.

Jaime:  Ok, as long as it doesn't turn me into a fag-boy like you... CRUNCH, MUNCH CRUNCH!

Jaime: Augh! What's happening..  losing control.. must have more .. Hunny B's!

THE DEVIL: Bow down before my almighty power slave. Feast upon the delicacy that is Hunny B's!!  MWA HA HA!!

Jaime:  Nooooooo!!!...

Hunny B's, a cereal forged by Lucifer himself, has crept it's way into my life and the lives of those around me.  It spreads as easily as a cheap whore, slowly infecting those with it's honey flavored goodness, and essential vitamins and minerals.

“But Kevin, a mere cereal cannot contain the awesome power to infect people with its delicious goodness”, is something you might be wondering.

THOSE NAY-SAYERS WHO DENY THE CEREALS POWER WILL BE PUNISHED!!

This isn’t just any cereal.  It’s Hunny B’s.   Even the box shows signs of pure evil.  First of all, take a look at the name.  Hunny B’s.   It is obviously trying to rebel against society by spelling the words “honey” and “bee” incorrectly.  And look who makes the cereal.  Kellogg’s and Disney.  KELLOGG’S AND DISNEY!  Two of our countries most powerful conglomerate corporations, joined to together to make even more money by feeding our youth a cereal concocted in the bowels of hell.   Look at Kellogg’s.   They’re making kids hang out with a fucking tiger.  A tiger!  I know they needed a mascot to sell their sugar-flakes (although it is one of my favorite cereals), but they could have chosen something more good-natured, like possibly a friendly armadillo, or even a talking chuck of corn.  No no no… they had to pick a tiger. 

And Disney, they chose the most foul, disease ridden, sewer shitting mascot for themselves.  A fucking rat.  C’mon people.  Why put your children’s lives in the hands of these murderous and/or rabid corporate identities.  Just look at that rat! LOOK AT IT!!

Ok, ok… let’s get back to what I’m supposed to be talking about.

Winnie the Pooh is a wonderful children’s character, until you realize he’s a wild, savage bear.  You know he’ll more than likely break into your home, maul your family, and then eat your honey… I mean your, uh, hunny.  But that doesn’t seem to faze Disney.  Instead, they stick him on the cover of a cereal box.   That alone will sell their cereal, but to make sure people keep coming back to it, they threw in a couple of helpful ingredients to seal the deal.  Let’s take a look:

Ingredients:  Corn meal, sugar, salt, cinnamon, graham pieces, riboflavin, powdered ecstasy, honey, sodium acid pyrophosphate… and some other un-important chemicals. 

Look at those ingredients.  Sugar and salt?  Is that even possible?  The cereal is highly addictive for some reason, and even as I sit here writing this, I’m snacking on them uncontrollably.  There are two factors that I have summed up that cause this addiction.  One being the regular bits of the cereal itself, the amazing “B” shaped, hunny flavored morsels that the cereal draws its name from.  These alone could cause a ruckus in the cereal world, but they couldn't stop there. The other one is a concept that cereal companies have been dabbling with in the past, but could never get quite right.

THEY PUT GRAHAM COOKIES INSIDE OF THE CEREAL!!

The only other cereal that used cookies in it is that bastard Cookie Crisp, a cereal that gets instantaneously soggy when it’s hit by milk.  That’s not a cereal.  That’s oatmeal.  And the cookies don’t taste like cookies either.  They taste like, uh, disgusting, things, that, uh, don’t taste very good.  Kind of like bad vanilla wafers… You know what I mean. 

These aren’t like cookie shaped pieces of cereal, they’re actually freakin’ cookies.  Delicious, nicotine laced cookies.  That’s how they get you, you know.  With smooth, addictive nicotine.   Mmm… smooth.  And the shapes they used are irresistibly fun to eat.  I mean, who wouldn't want to eat pooh-heads, bees, and pots of hunny.  Nobody.

And the cereal goes both ways. No, not sexually you bastard perverts.  It tastes great dry, and tastes great with milk.  It's also a fab snack to chew when you have the munchies, and it's equally as amazing as part of your nutritious breakfast, sitting along with your eggs, cup of OJ, bacon, pancakes, waffles, butter, syrup, french toast, sausage links, bagels... etc.

I can't fight the magnetic attraction to them any longer.  You'll have to try them for yourselves to believe me.  Hopefully you won't end up like me, passed out on a couch, clinging to my box of Hunny B's for dear life, waiting to die.

- Kevin

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