The Nestea Cool Snowman: Possible Idiot of the Moment, or just a Stubborn Jerk?  You decide.

Turning on the TV only to discover that those bastards at the WB changed the time schedule of The Simpsons, I angrily flipped around the channels trying to find something of value for my own personal entertainment.  I settled with Seinfeld, which is slightly entertaining, but not when I was anticipation my daily Simpsons fix.  Ohhh, the WB.  They just can’t seem to keep those Simpsons of mine on a set schedule.  Sometimes it makes me want to just kill an ant in a fit of rage.  Which is simple, because I consider myself the king of the ants. 

Now about the snowman that this is supposed to be about.  I was watching the telly when one of his famous commercials came on.  Man that snowman looks cool. You’ve seen him on TV right?  That guy with the dark coal eyes and winter, earflap hat.  He kinda reminds me of the snowman from the movie Jack Frost.  No, not the happy family version with Michael Keaton in it.  I’m talking about the one with the murderous psycho killer snowman.  Good flick by the way.  Anyways, this snowman is always either walking around the streets of New York (I guess), during the blazing heat of summer days.  He roams around the city either walking around or driving a car, which by all logical means is virtually impossible.  His legs are like half a foot long, making impossible for him to reach both the accelerator and brakes.  He’d be the most dangerous driver ever.  Even worst than my friend Augie, who actually crashed a car into the wall of a house.  True story.   Therefore, he’s a bad driving, street-walking snowman who loves the summer.  Kind of a bad way for him to be living, but who’s going to stop a living snowman?   Nobody.

Let us take a quick look at some of his commercials:

Commercial #1 - This was the first one I ever saw.  The snowman, whom we’ll call Ben, is driving in traffic when his car breaks down. Walking in the sun, he melts to reveal that he has a skeleton underneath his snow.  Let me tell you this; the kids who made this guy must have had some insane amount of time on their hands.  His boot’s rubber melts to the floor, leaving him with only one skeletal leg.  So now he hops to go to the local gas station, because the only thing that can cure him is a bottle of refreshing Nestea Cool.  Mmm.. delicious Nestea Cool.  Bam!! He knocks into a vending machine, which then gives him a free bottle of tea.  Now back in snow form, he goes back and takes his leg back from a vicious bulldog.  Good work Ben.

Commercial #2 - It’s nighttime, so Ben doesn’t have to worry about melting in the sun.  I think he has a death wish though, because he sees the first opportunity to die and takes it.  Ben gets in a hot-tub with two mute models.  He is obviously trying to mac it to these two hotties, but alas, his frosty exterior fails him and quickly melts into nothingness once again.  Luckily for Ben, a passing waiter gives him the opportunity to steal another iced tea yet again, which once more re-frosts him, even while in the hot tub.  His carrot nose floats up to the top of the hot-tub, and arouses those mute models…

Commercial #3 - This one was my favorite.  Ben goes to the Laundromat to wash his abundance of clothes, i.e. his hats and boots.  No one in the store is shocked by his appearance.  I guess he’s the town freak or something and it is normal for him to be seen nowadays.  Everyone is trying to be less prejudice these days anyway.  So he is placing his clothes in the washer, and some girl who DOESN’T see him knocks him into the washer, puts her clothes in, and turns it on.  Ben melts, goes through and entire wash cycle as a skeleton, and falls out of the washer.  I don’t remember how he gets a hold of a bottle of Cool but he does, and as always refrosts, with some of her clothes in him.  She’s one of those mutes also, who only communicates with “mmm’s” and “ooh’s”.  He notices her bra in him, and kindly returns it too her, as she gives him a sultry seductive look.  Seems like frosty here isn’t the freak he seemingly seemed to be. 

I was going to make him the new idiot of the moment, because he's a snowman who walks in the sun, until I realized that he is not as dumb as he appears.  He’s not a stupid fool melting in the sun accidentally everyday.  He’s not the foolish iceman who decided to live in a city where the heat rises up into the 90’s.  He’s just the ultimate ladies man.  And he knows it.  So, from all of us here at Splitplug.com, we salute you, frosted snowman who can do whatever he wants to do because he is evil looking.

And now a message from the King of Ants. 

Hello fellow humans.   Never forget that you are bigger than ants, and therefore are allowed to play God whenever you feel like it.  Always take full advantage of your power as the God of ants, and control your lowly ant slaves with your mighty fists, and occasional boot.  So says the King of Ants.

- Kevin