Hunny B's:  Th' Devil's Kindy in Disguise

Obsarve this hyar situashun:

Jaime: Winnie th' Pooh Cereal?! Fry mah hide!

Kevin: Yeah man, this hyar stuff is great.

Jaime: Great mah ass. Yer a fag who etts a pussy li'l kids cereal, ah reckon.  Whuffo' doesn't yo' helter-skelter home t'yer momma, queer-fella.

Kevin:  Uh huh.. hyar, whuffo' doesn't yo' try some.

Jaime:  Ok, as long as it don't turn me into a fag-fella like yo'... CRUNCH, MUNCH CRUNCH! Fry mah hide!

Jaime: Augh! Fry mah hide! Whut in tarnation's happenin'..  losin' corntrol, ah reckon.. muss haf mo'e .. Hunny B's!

THE DEVIL: Bow down befo'e mah almighty power slave. Feast upon th' delicacy thet is Hunny B's!! Fry mah hide!  MWA HA HA! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!

Jaime:  Nooooooo! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!...

Hunny B's, a cereal fo'ged by Lucifer hisse'f, has crepp it's way into mah life an' th' lives of them aroun' me.  It spreads as easily as a cheap who'e, slowly infeckin' them wif it's honey flavo'ed fineness, an' essential vitamins an' minerals.

“But Kevin, a mere cereal kinnot corntain th' awesome power t'infeck varmints wif its delicious fineness”, is sumpin yo' might be wonnerin'.

THOSE NAY-SAYERS WHO DENY THE CEREALS POWER WILL BE PUNISHED! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!

This hyar isn’t jest enny cereal, ah reckon.  It’s Hunny B’s.   Even th' box shows signs of pure evil, ah reckon.  Fust of all, take a look at th' name.  Hunny B’s.   It is obviously tryin' t'rebel aginst society by spellin' th' wo'ds “honey” an' “bee” inco'reckly.  An' look who makes th' cereal, ah reckon.  Kellogg’s an' Disney.  KELLOGG’S AND DISNEY! Fry mah hide!  Two of our countries most pow'ful cornglomerate co'po'ashuns, joined t' togither t'make even mo'e money by feedin' our yo'th a cereal corncocked in th' bowels of hell, ah reckon.   Look at Kellogg’s.   They’re makin' kids hang out wif a fuckin' tiger.  A tiger! Fry mah hide!  ah knows they needed a mascot t'sell their sugar-flakes (although it is one of mah favo'ite cereals), but they c'd haf chosen sumpin mo'e fine-natured, like postibly a friendly armadillo, o' even a talkin' chuck of co'n, as enny fool kin plainly see.  No no no… they had t'pick a tiger. 

An' Disney, they chose the dawgoned-est foul, disease ridden, sewer shittin' mascot fo' themselves.  A fuckin' rat.  C’mon varmints.  Whuffo' put yer chillun’s lives in th' han's of these murderous an'/o' rabid co'po'ate identities.  Jest look at thet rat! Fry mah hide! LOOK AT IT! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!

Ok, ok… let’s git back t'whut I’m supposed t'be talkin' about.

Winnie th' Pooh is a wonnerful chillun’s chareecker, until yo' reckanize he’s a wild, savage bar.  Yo' knows he’ll mo'e than likely bust into yer home, maul yer fambly, an' then ett yer honey… ah mean yer, uh, hunny.  But thet doesn’t seem t'faze Disney.  Instead, they stick him on th' covah of a cereal box.   Thet alone will sell their cereal, but t'make sho'nuff varmints keep a-comin' back t'it, they threw in a couple of he'pful in'redients t'seal th' deal, ah reckon.  Let’s take a look:

Ingredients:  Co'n meal, sugar, salt, cinnamon, graham pieces, riboflavin, powdered ecstasy, honey, sodium acid pyrophosphate… an' some other un-impo'tant chemicals. 

Look at them in'redients.  Sugar an' salt?  Is thet even postible?  Th' cereal is highly addickive fo' some reason, an' even as ah set har writin' this, I’m snackin' on them uncontrollably.  Thar is two facko's thet ah have summed up thet cuz this hyar addickshun.  One bein' th' regular bits of th' cereal itse'f, th' amazin' “B” shaped, hunny flavo'ed mo'sels thet th' cereal draws its name fum.  These alone c'd cuz a ruckus in th' cereal wo'ld, but they c'dn't stop thar. T'other one is a corncepp thet cereal companies haf been dabblin' wif in th' past, but c'd nevah git quite right.

THEY PUT GRAHAM COOKIES INSIDE OF THE CEREAL! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!

Th' only other cereal thet used cookies in it is thet bastard Cookie Crisp, a cereal thet gits instantaneously soggy when it’s hit by milk. Shet mah mouth!  Thet’s not a cereal, ah reckon.  Thet’s oatmeal, ah reckon.  An' th' cookies don’t taste like cookies eifer.  They taste like, uh, disgestin', thin's, thet, uh, don’t taste mighty fine.  Kind of like bad vanilla wafers… Yo' knows whut ah mean, as enny fool kin plainly see. 

These aren’t like cookie shaped pieces of cereal, they’re acshully freakin’ cookies.  Delicious, nicotine laced cookies.  Thet’s how they git yo', yo' know.  Wif smooth, addickive nicotine.   Mmm… smooth.  An' th' shapes they used is irresistibly fun t'eat.  ah mean, who 'dn't be hankerin' t'eat pooh-haids, bees, an' pots of hunny.  Nobody.

An' th' cereal goes both ways. No, not sexually yo' bastard pervahts.  It tastes great dry, an' tastes great wif milk. Shet mah mouth!  It's also a fab snack t'chew when yo' haf th' munchies, an' it's equally as amazin' as part of yer nutritious bustfast, sittin' along witcher eggs, cup of OJ, bacon, pancakes, waffles, butter, syrup, french toast, sausage links, bagels... etc.

ah cain't fight th' magnetic attrackshun t'them enny longer.  Yo'll hafta try them fo' yournelves t'believe me.  Hopefully yo' won't ind up like me, passed out on a couch, clin'in' t'mah box of Hunny B's fo' dear life, waitin' t' die.

- Kevin