The Delorian…a true renaissance car.

It was, once again, a wonderful summer afternoon. I was in my jammies, jammin’ to the Space Jam soundtrack and eating a handful of Jam. During one of my routine radar jamming sessions, I popped in that timeless classic featuring Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd. Yes, that’s right…Back to the Future.

This clever adventure comedy has imaginative effects and zany moments. High schooler Marty McFly is catapulted back to the fifties where he sees his parents in their teens, and accidentally changes the history of how mom and dad met. Filled with the humorous ideology of the fifties, filtered through the knowledge of the 80’s, the film comes off as a twilight zone episode written by Preston Sturges. Laughs for the entire family!

Who could forget. Well…I guess me, since the only reason I owned it is because I forgot to return it to Blockb*ster (the name of his franchise video rental store has been changed due to copyright sanction clause #452749540992B56Q Sec. 8). Anyway. I began to wonder about that totally kick-ass car. The one and only Delorian. Ahh, the Delorian. The shear thought of it makes my penis erect and testicles tender.

I mean, back then when people saw it on the big screen in the lame old 80’s, people must have been like: “Holy Crap, that car is dope”. And now I sit at the breakfast table of my 1 bed, 1 bath condo in west-kendall, watching it on my 10 inch TV/VCR and I say to myself: “Holy Crap, that car is dope.” And then I vomit on myself because I drank to much the night before.

Doctor Brown ( a very professional and respected “doctor” in his community) did the ultimate body job on this hunk o’ junk. Forget da rims, da body kit, da NOS. Leave your ’93 civic in your Hialeah apartment with it’s iced out lights and your twelves in the trunk. You’ll be riding with mad hunnies in this phat ride. One of them from Victorian England, one from the confederate south, one from the roaring twenties and you might even throw in a prehistoric biotch in the back. The world is your oyster. You know why??? Because this car goes through time. It goes through frikkin’ time. 

Here’s some background on the Delorian. The story begins with John Z. Delorian, the son of a Detroit autoworker. DeLorian entered college on a music scholarship but left with a masters in industrial engineering and business. He was hired by GM at 24 and his automotive career began. After a lot of weird marital and capital red tape, the first and only model of the DeLorian was put into production in 1981. The DeLorian dude got in trouble with some drug deal and production halted. Only 8,583 units were manufactured. The editorial staff here at Splitplug.com sincerely belives that all 8,583 units to indeed travel through the dimension of time.

Apparently, the only way to do this though is to steal some plutonium from some angry middle-eastern gentleman toting bazookas in Volkswagen vans. This, by the way, is a cinematic concept that definitely wouldn’t fly nowadays. They’d get hit with lawsuits left and right.

Let me put it to you simply folks. This car is fly. Mad fly. It can almost be called “ill” and maybe even “booty-licious” It might be the first time a car has ever been called “booty-licious” but it really deserves it. I now sit here green with envy because even though I don’t have a crippling disease which disables my mind and body, Michael J. Fox got to drive that delicious automobile with it’s 44.9 inches from the ground and its crazy ‘Gull-wing’ doors.

If anyone out there owns a Delorian and feels sorry for me in my crappy 2000 red Celica GT with premium sound and aluminum alloy wheels and carbon fiber dash, please contact me to give away your cool car to me…A selfish brat:  SelfishBrat@richkids.net

I’ll be waiting……

Sitting…

And waiting….

-Jethro