Ugly Cars and the People Who Drive Them (Part One)
A analytical study featuring Jib, the wise old man of oriental descent.

It's time to get this out to the world.  Cars seem to be getting uglier and uglier by the moment, and people keep getting dumber and dumberer.  There must be a chip implanted in the skulls of these humans, forcing them to drive into dealerships and purchase the worst looking cars they could find.  You know who these people are too.  They're your neighbors, fellow co-workers, and even the town drunk.  All of them with that wicked doomsday chip in their heads. Even some of our famous TV personalities had this chip.

Remember that episode of Family Matters, when Urkel bought a car, and everyone got excited?  And then Urkel showed up to the Winslows house with the car, and everyone threw up and killed each other at the sight of its hideousness?  Of course you don't remember, I made that up.  But he did buy a car, and it did look something like this:

That's right. The BMW Isetta.  Isetta?  That's what I-Set-Ta!  Don't worry I've already hired some goons to beat me shit-less for writing that.  It had to be done.  Anyways, the point of this was to show you that even Urkel, that most famous TV nerd, had a chip in his noggin.  Kind of a pointless thing to prove, but it also had to be done.

Now that you know why people buy ugly cars, here is my well thought-out list of cars which I have deemed to be "ugly." 

The Toyota Echo.

A mistake from the beginning, the Echo is part of a long line of "stumpy" cars that hit the market fairly recently.  Capable of fitting 1 - 2 full sized infants comfortably, the Echo is easily one of the smallest, ugliest, and racist cars in America.  I think the reason the Japanese made this thing was to make fun of any American idiot who'd actually buy it.  Even the name "Echo" doesn't make much sense.  I thought it should be called the Toyota Toe, mainly because it looks just like my big toe.  

Who drives them:
Drunk College Chick, who has such a high car insurance cost that she cannot possibly afford to buy any other car.  They can be seen arriving to parties, with the car full to the brim with other girls of the same variety. 
 

Jolly Fat Man who can't really fit into the car.  Jolly Fat man is the nicest guy around, but because of his poor automobile purchasing choices, he is mocked by friend and foe alike. 


What does Jib think?
"This ting can shave my saggy ol' balls and glue a pubic hair mustache to it's hideous face.  It'll make it look 4 times better."

The Pontiac Aztek

Another one of themz stumpy thingz, the Aztek lost all respect the moment it spelled itz name incorrectly.  Who does it think it is anyway?  You're only allowed to misspell your name if you are some kind of rebel musician, such as Limp Bizkit, Korn, or even Busta Rhymes.  It doesn't look like you're one of those, does it Aztek?  From behind it looks like a minivan, or some trailer hitched to another truck.  But on further inspection, we learn that the Aztek is nothing more than a wedge of cheese on wheelz.  It suckz twice over. 

Who drives them:
Hispanic Trend Setter.  The Hispanic trend-setter drives this behemoth thinking it's the hottest thing to hit the market since sliced bread.  Buying it solely because of the many features that they will never use, they justify the car/truck/boot by telling others that it is "mucho awesome amigos."
 

What does Jib think?
"When I first saw da Aztek, I was like 'oh man, dis ting looks like my mom sat on the toilet and squeezed out a floater.'  But now I jes tink that this be a piece of shit."
 

The Chrysler PT Cruiser

Kill me now.  This hearse is now seen parading on every street in America.  Capable of carrying about 5 bodies comfortably, the Personal Transport (what else would you use the car for) Cruiser is an SUV gone bad.  People are even ghetto-fying them up now.  They have the body kits, and iced-out lights, and I'm sure that sooner or later they'll have the top down and chrome spinning.  Beware of its ominous demeanor.  It'll kill you sucka.

Who drives them:
Successful African Woman.  For some reason, successful African women everywhere are buying this thing left and right.  There is no apparent reason why, but I believe it's because the PT Cruiser is down with its Negro roots.  One Love ma Brotha. They also like to force their husbands to drive that damn thing.

Successful Caucasian Woman.  Much like their African counterparts, the successful Caucasian woman drives this car as well.  There is no apparent reason why, but I believe it's because the PT Cruiser is down with its cracker roots. George W. Bush in 2004!  They also like to force their husbands to drive that damn thing.

What does Jib think?
"The only way you'd make me drive dis crap hunk of cat anus is if you used some form of ancient chinese torture that I am unaware of.  Or, you can also give me a cookie."


Well there you have it, the first of a few number of cars which Jib and I have bad-mouthed and sent back crying to their makers.  Next time we'll probably beat up a couple of El Camino's, and then set after the worst of them all... the Mini Cooper.  May God have mercy on our souls. 

"Peace out ma niggas!"

- Kevin (and Jib)