Whilst on vacation with a fly hottie who goes by the name of Lindsay, we decided to stop by the local Dollar General, the best damn dollar store in the world.   Stepping through its doors is like an orgasmic experience, minus the messy cleanup.  Now I‘m not here to speak of the wonders of the Dollar General.  You should already be aware of its amazing selection of daily household goods, inexpensive sundresses, and Rough Rider condoms.  For those who like it rough, get Rough Rider.  I’m here to shop. 

I love the dollar store.  Most dollar stores have great stuff you can buy for only a dollar, and honestly, who can pass up an offer like that.  Stepping through its lone door, I stared in awe at the size of this particular Dollar General.  Much larger than most, it even have a clothing section, with hats, dresses, and t-shirts.  Those shirts are made from a 50% cotton/polyester blend.  50%!  What a freaking deal.  But all that is nothing compared to the dollar stores fine selection of toys.  Luckily for you I didn’t have my camera in the store, so you’re gonna be screwed in the visuals department.

With only two dollars in cash, I went over to the toy section immediately, because who the hell cares about anything else?  Actually, a cup that said “I Love Ma” did look appealing.  Oh, how I love my ma…  ok, on to the toys.  There were many too choose from, such as cap guns (fun for all ages!), Army men (control the world!), big Rambo Knife (with stab your friends in the neck action!), and other, less likable toys.  So many to choose from, such a little amount of funds.

But wait, what did I see piled on the floor?  Could it be?  Classic Power Ranger action figures?!  No?!  Good.  No, it was not Power Ranger action figures (although those cool robots were kind of like Voltron… it was called Voltron right?).  It was better than that.  It was Army Heroes, the Peace Keepers by FORCE!!

These weren’t your everyday army soldiers.  They kept the peace using their huge assortment of militant weapons. With so many to choose from, I had to decide quickly before I went to the local ATM for another 50 dollars.  There were Mexican looking guys, German soldiers, the Chinese militia, and some other generic looking guys who weren’t that interesting to look at.  I didn’t care what they looked like though.  All I cared about was their accessories. These are the kind of toys that come with guns that no one would use in any real war.  But in a toy war, these weapons are at the top of the barrel.  Top-of-the-barrel.  Does that even make sense?

Let’s look at the two soldiers that I finally decided on:

Soldier Number One:  I named him Charlie because he looks Chinese.  Ah, I love ethnic slurs.  I didn’t pick him out for that reason though.  I chose him because of his awesome suitcase of death.  Everyone should have a suitcase of death.  It comes with handcuffs, a pistol, three grenades, and a machine gun that doesn't fit in his hands at all.  But no matter, because he also comes with three other hand fitted guns, and binoculars. BINOCULARS! For far seeing action!

He has so many accessories that they had to write "SPECIAL ACCESSORY SET" on the box six times.  And look, this toy is distributed from Goodlettsville, TN.  Goodlettsville!  Damn what a horribly named city.  I think these Peace Keepers need to wipe out the citizens of Goodlettsville for coming up with such a horrible name.

Soldier Number Two:  I had a harder time deciding which other soldier to pick, but I settled upon this guy with his one huge gun.  Although his hands are angled so that no weapon may ever be held in them.  I named this guy Stan for no good reason.  Stan’s big gun is longer than his legs.  Stan has an inferiority complex.  Poor guy.  Stan’s big gun also comes with a chain of bullets, and a stand for ground killing peacekeeping.  Along with the massive chain-gun Stan has, he also brings two other sub-machine guns.  

Finna bust a cap in yo' ass!

One hand is made for ghetto gangsta style shooting, which proves how professionally trained these guys are. He even came with a sign so that everyone knew who he was, and a sandbag wall to protect him from stray grenades and hot napalm.  Check out how camouflaged he is in front of my scanner.  HE'S INVISIBLE!!

If the figures and their guns weren’t enough of an incentive to buy them, the packaging definitely was.  Look at this packaging.  None of the figures actually looked like the people on the packaging.  They have actual camouflage and guns that fit in their hands.  Take a look at what a couple of the soldiers are doing in the background.  Who’s that guy in the blue?  They must have shot him and are now posing for this pic, pretending to mend to his wounds. 

Over all, I was mighty happy with these figures.  I’m making them fight each other, go out to dinner, and I even made a little bed for them to sleep in together.  They’re the best of friends.  But you know what’s more fun than them?  The Dollar General bag!!  Oh the wonders of this bag are endless.  Look it can be a mask… augh!!

 Warning! Do not try this at home kiddies!!
Seriously though, after taking these pictures, I accidentally swallowed some plastic. Now my lungs hurts.  I hate it when warnings are right...

- Kevin