Idiot of the Moment:

The Pet Psychic, Sonya Fitzpatrick

Most of you know who she is.  She haunts your dreams, your pet’s dreams, and the dreams of those you love.  Yes, you know who I’m talking about.  The Pet Psychic.  Just one glance from her vile, angry, pointy-eyebrowed eyes can turn you and I into stone.  And not even a good stone like marble or granite.  She’ll turn you into plain ol’ construction cement.  That fiend.   Anyways, Sonya Fitzpatrick has been proudly selected for this edition of “Idiot of the Moment.”  Not because of her super-villain name, or even her frightening appearance.  It’s because she thinks she can talk to animals.  There was only one person who could talk to animals my friends, and his name was Dr. Doolittle.  This copycat psycho is trying to cash in on his “talking to pets” phenomenon.  Well you aren’t fooling anyone lady. We’re all onto your clever scheme.

She came into our lives through the Animal Planet television network, which brings us great shows like Crocodile Hunter, Jeff Corwin Experience, and Animal Precinct.  All of these are amazing programs, and I highly recommend them all.  But then Animal Planet made one mistake.  A mistake that can never be un-erasified.  They hired the Pet Psychic.  Bet you didn’t see that one coming. She crept her way onto television screens across America swiftly, and soon dozens of foolish Americans tuned in to find out if their parrot was gay, or to see if they’re llama was an alcoholic.  She tells people that their cat thinks it a dog, and we believe her. 

I tried to figure out how she is forcing us to watch her show.  I dug deep into the realm of her devious psyche, avoiding all the perils that inhabit her inner thoughts…  I found nothing.  So instead I decided to email her and find out how she talks to animals.

Here’s what I sent to her:

TO: petpsycho@iloveyouchildren.com

Hey Pet lady, whuddup?  How are you?  My name is Kevin and I run the highly popular and successful website, splitplug.com.  I’m sure you’ve heard of it.  Anyways, I’m writing an insightful tribute about you, and wanted to know how you actually talk to animals.  Please reply soon you awful, awful woman. 

- Kevin

What a nice email that was. Here’s what she replied back:

TO: kevin@splitplug.com
Dearest Kevin,

Thank you for writing about my show.  I hope it turns out well.  Because if it doesn’t I will have to eat your soul.  About the animals thing, I just follow a simple list that was given to me by an ancient, soul eating Indian tribe, whose name I cannot remember.  Here’s the list:

1. Begin with a calm and tranquil mind, and seek out a calm and tranquil atmosphere for you and your animal.

2. Say your animal's name telepathically to get his attention.

3. Visualize your animal as you say his name.

4. Send a picture of his physical body. Direct this to him, along with his name.

5. Release paralyzing neuro-toxic into those around you.  Laugh about it. 

6. Ask if there is anything your pet would like you to do for him. Imagine your animal is sending an answer back to you and accept whatever you receive in your imagination.

7. Always acknowledge the answer, whatever you receive in your imagination.

8. Continue to ask him other questions, and remember to trust your imagination for what you are receiving back from your animal.

I hope this information is useful to you.  Remember.  I’ll eat your soul. 

- Sonya “Soul-Eater” Fitzpatrick

HAHA!!  I can’t believe she sent me her list.  She must be crazy.  Now that I have it I can control the world of humans and animals alike!!!  Wait, no that’s not right.  Um, yeah, so according to her, you have to basically “imagine” that your animal it talking to you.  IMAGINE!!  She’s obviously high off of her own perfume, because that is the most dim-witted, idiotic, and asinine thing I have ever heard. And those are three really big words that I hardly ever use to describe something that is stupid and dumb.  So she must be those things. 

“Imagine your animal is sending an answer back to you…” What the hell is that?!  “Ooooh, c’mon kids, let’s pretend that Fluffy is telling us that she’s going to kill you in your sleep.”  Imagine how much evil people would do if they “imagined” animals telling them to do things. Didn’t the Unabomber’s dog tell him to blow everything up?  He was probably taught to talk to animals, but used the ability for evil.  All because of Sonya.  Look at all the animals that she talks to.  Giraffes, cows, birds, everything.  What is a giraffe gonna tell her. 

Sonya:  Hello giraffe.

Giraffe: Kill me please, I’m so tall, I don’t deserve to live.

Sonya: Um, ok… I guess…

See?  She’s not only faking what she does, but she’s also bad at it.  She couldn’t even save that poor giraffe’s life.  Poor giraffe. We’ll miss him.  And all the other animals she tries to talk to seem so terrified of her.   Look at these pictures she had on her website:

All of them terrified.  Especially the cat in the cage.  Look at the anger in its eyes.  Complete proof of the terror that Sonya brings to all animals.  The parrot may look pleased, but it actually screaming bloody murder.  And that sad dog.  That poor, miserable sad dog.  Doesn't it bring a tear to your eye? 

Ok, well, I can't handle looking at a puppy so sad, so I'm gonna go sit down and ponder why the sadness of that puppy is so great.  Hopefully I'll regain the strength to come back and write something new next time.  *sniff*..........

- Kevin