Digging up my Past:  An old sketchbook idea from the 90's

This little diddy is called "The Sameness of Santa and Satan." It's from the 97's to be exact.  From the pages of one of my many sketchbooks comes this piece of "splitplug" history.  Actually, before the whole splitplug thing came around, I referred to any copyright of mine as being owned by Impulse Inc.  Such a cool word impulse was back then.  So fast and pulse-like.  Anyway, when I was a youngling, I wanted to be appear funnier to others than I actually was.  So I devised this here clever joke about Santa actually being the same person as Satan.  I provided a multipass multitude of reasons why they were one in the same, including dozens that didn't make much sense at all.  Remember, I was a dumb kid, as apposed to a dumb twenty-year-old.  So I drew the whole thing in my sketchbook, a whole page of information that led others to believe as I had believed.  Santa was Satan.  Here is the original draft and paperwork that proved the mystery:

Click above for the full page (opens in a convenient new window)

As you read through the list, which may be difficult to read, you must remember that I was only about 14-15 years old.  This was a pretty impressive thing for one of such young age to be producing.  The teachers were baffled.   Could it be true?  Was the one who visited us every year (except for our Jewish buddies) a fake?  Could he be the total opposite entity known as Satan?

Here's a list of the reasons that made the most sense, in no particular order.  I have revised them to suit my current intellectual status.

• The most obvious:  Their names are spelled with the same letters.  Satan=Santa.

• Santa's rosy cheeks are really Satan's make-up wearing off.

• Santa breaks into your house at night whilst you sleep.

• He hangs out with small "elve-like" creatures all year who have pointy ears.

• Wants children to sit in his lap and whisper into his ear.

• They both wear the color red.  Blood red.

• Santa forces you to give him milk and cookies in exchange for gifts.

• He possibly raids the fridge and looks through your stuff.

• Abuses animal by making them heft his fat ass through the air.

• Gives the reindeer ridiculous names like Blitzen, Dasher, and Donner.

• He wears a beard to cover his evil Satan goatee.

• Fire doesn't phase him.  Can easily climb through chimneys into your home.

• Insult's people by calling them Ho's. 

Well, there it is.  The main reasons.  You, now that I read them, about five years after this was written, they seem really... dumb.  But no matter, this article must go on.  The name thing (SANTA=SATAN) really got me to write this all those years ago.  I mean, it was just obvious that Satan, the master of evil, was toying with us.  He was holding up a sign saying, "Hey parents, I know where you live! So give me cookies and I'll grant your Christmas wishes!"  That's what he'd say.  Only more evil, with words like "entity" and "bowels." 

This Satan fellow has fooled us, and fooled us good.

The main reason for this was to ask myself this question.   What was I thinking when I made this?  I obviously didn't believe it... or did I?  I did see a Santa at a mall taking a break to smoke a cig outside while checking everyone's mom.  That seemed pretty evil.  Maybe it didn't even happen at all though.  I could be making up this whole thing you know.  I could just be writing stuff to take up space and give you, the reader, a feeling that this was a substantial piece of comedic literature.  Or whatever.  This is the end of it... right... now. 

Look a puppy!