movies

MATRIX RELOADED MOVIE REVIEW!!  A-CHICA A-CHOW!

House of 1000 Corpses - I had some doubts about this movie before going to see it, because I didn't want it to end up being crap, and then feeling like everyone in the theater would blame me for some reason.  I trusted Rob Zombie, the director, because I've enjoyed his music and music videos for a while now.  So him being one of my favorite musicians was another factor in me wanting this movie to be great. This is the greatest horror movie I have ever seen.

The point of a horror movie is to "scare" the viewer into truly believing the horrors that they see in the picture.  If a movie fails to do so, then this movie is deemed a failure, and the creators should be mangled in a horrible car wreck. 

Horror movies nowadays (I enjoy the word nowadays, because it seems like such a made up word), are all the same.  A faceless villain chases around his/her hapless victims, kills everyone but the main character, and then possibly dies, allowing them to return in the sequel. 

No my friends (and enemies), this movie was much different.  I don't want to spoil anything about the movie, because I want you guys to see it, but this movie has everything a horror movie needs to succeed, including an evil clown.  The whole film is like a bad dream, leaving you wondering if it all really happened in the end. When you think that it couldn't get any worse for the characters, it does.  The greatness of this movie still hasn't set in yet.  Even my friends who went with me to see it enjoyed it.  And they hate me.  The whole movie leaves you with these wonderfully disturbing images to take home and dream about.  Go enjoy it as much as I have.  And if you like, buy it for me on DVD when it comes out. 

Visit the website at www.houseof1000corpses.com.

P.S.  The Core sucks.  Please don't see it.  Please.

The Core - Go see the "Core."  That flick is movie making at its best.  Featuring that girl that doesn't cry as a boy, and that guy from that famous movie that no one remembers, and a black guy who dies, and a smart cocky guy who dies, and the heroic guy... who dies.  Oh, and also hundreds of pigeons who die.  But no one cares about stinking pigeons. 

And a whole group of carnies and clowns die.  Lots of dying happens in this movie.  Man this movie makes me sad.  Poor clowns.

Triple X -  "Welcome to the Xander Zone" Well well well.  Triple X.  It's like not going to see a movie at all.  You see, if you place all of the goodness of the movie in one hand, and all the the complete crapiness of the movie in the other hand, and then you smash both hands together in a fit of anger and rage... you get nothing.  Absolutely nothing. I'm still in shock.  I don't even know what else to say.  Great quotes though, such as "bitches come!", and "hit it!" and "you've just passed the Gibbins test."  Although this movie has to be 10 times better than Blue Crush. Oh man, this summer's movie selection is slowly dying down...

Signs - Now that I'm traumatized for life after watching this movie, I'm too scared to go outside at night, much less think about writing a little review on how good the movie was.  Everything about the movie was great, and even Macaulay Culkin's little brother does a good job.  The movie is funny, and scary.  You can't get much better than that.  If Children of the Corn made you fear crop fields, then Signs will make you never eat corn again.  Go see Signs.  Then go and run through corn fields.  And eat corn.  And adopt a pet.

Star Wars (Attack of the Clones) - The Clones didn't really attack.  They more like saved everybody's ass right before they all were killed.  The whole last part of the movie was good, but the rest of it was all talking, and space politics, and boring fan-boy crap.  Although I do think that Mace Windu kicks ass.  And Yoda's a pimp. 

Spiderman - My dream finally come true, since Spidey has been my favorite superhero since I was sperm.  Everything about the movie was great; visuals, cinematography, and all that other designy crap.  A couple of moviemaking mistakes though:

• Spiderman invents his web-shooters in the comic books, but in the movie they just grow out of his wrists.  What the shit?!
• Mary Jane replaces the Gwen Stacy, Spiderman's actual girlfriend in high school,  who gets killed by the Green Goblin.  Mary Jane isn't even supposed to exist in his life yet.  Damn you Hollywood.
• Ben Parker dies at home, not in the middle of the street. 
• Aunt May Parker is a tiny skinny old woman in the comics.  In the movie she looks like a hispanic housemaid.

Besides all of those things, the movie is straight out of the comic books, making it one of the best Comic to Film movies made since Superman.

Blade 2 - So much entertaining Matrix-like action, that you'll completely ignore all of the crappy lines said by everyone in the entire movie.  See Wesley Snipes kill, maim, slice, and decapitate his way through the entire movie.  A must see.  Make it a Blockbuster night.

Ice Age -  "If you liked Shrek, you'll love Ice Age..."  That's what the "critics" said about this movie.  Fuck the critics.  This crap-ass movie can suck my dick and like it.  Ok, I'm being kind of harsh, but that's only because I love Shrek so much.  You know Shrek had all of those adult jokes and inside jokes and stuff?  Ice Age had nothing.  Crap.  And a half.  Avoid it if possible.

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